how to decenter men without centering men

a step-by-step guide to stop making "they" the center of thy universe.

it takes over your entire being. it alters your state. it dictates your actions. it moves your emotions. it takes your energy.

it is your past, your present and without taking the energy back from it; it’ll certainly dictate future.

isn’t it ironic, that at the center of trying to get away from men, they are still the center of the most expensive thing on this earth: your attention.

you might not realize how powerful the currency of caring is.

you think it’s just another, insignificant thing in this world.

although, it is the very thing that is bringing you the misery you’re constantly trying to heal from. what is going on inside of you is as significant; if not more than, what’s happening outside of you.

let’s say you get a bruise on your arm. turns out, it’s more than a bruise, it’s a cut.

nothing short of a clear distinction from what you usually see on your skin. it feels foreign and yet, of course you’ve seen what’s underneath your skin before. you just forget that what’s underneath you is also a part of you.

and yet gosh, it hurts. it burns. not only that, it is so visible that no matter how painful it is you have no choice but to live with it.

you know that if you touch it, even with gentleness and somewhat politeness, all it does, ultimately, is bring you ache.

so you look at it, sigh because you know you can’t do anything about it. it’s there, so you decide to just leave it alone.

a few hours go by and you accidentally hit the exact same spot. you had forgotten how much it hurts. you keep a mental note to yourself: be more aware, more careful with your next movements.

you go on with your daily affairs with that consciousness. turns out, you’re enjoying so much of your time, you actually forgot the bruise — and it seems like the bruise forgot about you too, it’s healing. as you let your fingers softly slide across your new scar, you remember the pain, and acknowledge it, you smile because you let time do its thing by replacing it with your own time and pleasure.

you smile and you think, gosh the body is marvelous. just… genius.

do i need to tell you what would’ve happened if you kept touching it and then complaining day in and day out how much it hurts?

it’s a daily affair.

you let a wound out in the open so you can heal.

let me rephrase that: so you can get a richer man. although, you’re also becoming celibate so men can’t have access to your life-force energy. no, instead you take that very energy to grab your phone and open up a comment section to bleed out how evil men are. in that same vein, you buy a journal to pour how hurt you are and how you just want to be loved for you. you curate your men-repellent look as you get to a restaurant to dissect men for the hundredth time with your friends.

as you remove your sunglasses to accurately express your anger, annoyance and frustration at their incompetence, the server comes. you force a smile at him for interrupting you. yet… you can’t contain your anger.

something happens inside. it’s like your body is giving him a pass. your anger softens because… he’s cute. he notices your gaze and asks how he can get in touch with you.

you have a bit of attitude but there’s something about him. and also because, what you’re not mean?

you go on a date with him. you’re hoping he won’t be yet, another disappointment, like other men.

you feel your excitement and those special butterflies as you front disgust in your group chat, you can’t believe you’re going out with… a man.

as you sit down in front of him at the restaurant, you interrogate him to see if he fits all of your beliefs and standards.

translation: if he understands your hatred for men as much as you do and what men typically make women go through. it seems like he understands. even better: he deeply comprehends.

wow, this man really gets it.

you tell him, you’re glad he’s not like other men. just like you’ve heard countless heartthrobs say on screen: you’re not like other girls.

and you? you’re just a girl.

so what do you do next?

you make him a part of your world. you start distancing yourself from your friends, you eat what he eats, you watch what he watches. you have another version of the girl who took off her glasses to further complain about men. your gaze turned to love glasses. and he’s all you see.

you fall in deep. the hatred you felt about men… it disappears. in your mind, only through that server. what he signals to you is so caring, thoughtful, gentle… he is wired differently

and then… something happens. again.

maybe it’s a pattern you have yet to break-up with. maybe it’s a story he told you from the beginning you are finally starting to experience for yourself. no matter what or who’s at fault, it’s happened again.

the wound is re-opened, and it’s screaming. loud, painful and hard to look at.

and now, instead of not touching it, you’re not only pointing your finger at it; you’re pressing on it. right at the center, where it hurts.

you’re back at square one.

✦ the step-by-step guide to decentering men without centering men

maybe you recognized some parts of your self in this story. maybe it’s your old self. it’s hard to know, how, where, what you should do when you can’t clearly recognize yourself.

so let’s start there.